Textual relations
by Arasinyah
Summary: Pride and Prejudice, and phones, and—OMG, mom, stop texting me! (Modern AU)
1. Chapter 1

**NotLizzieMcGuire** : Jane, please, I am begging you, come to the wedding.

 _JaneTheBee_ : Liz, you were the one who kept saying that I shouldn't go to my ex's wedding, that I should stay home get drunk, make a bonfire of all his things then pour all the remaining alcohol into the fire so it could light up the sky with my hate.

 _JaneTheBee_ : I don't even hate him! I've moved on.

 _JaneTheBee_ : What's wrong?

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : You don't know?!

 _JaneTheBee_ : Know what?

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : Have you been blocking mum's calls?

 _JaneTheBee_ : No, I just got off work, lemme check.

 _JaneTheBee_ : I have seventeen missed calls from her. Dafuq?

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : His rich bitch fiancée's rich friends and their brothers are coming to town. You know what that means.

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : YOU HAVE TO COME TO THE WEDDING!

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : PLEASE!

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : PLEASE!

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : PLEASE!

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : GOD FUCK, DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THAT MAD WOMAN AND RICH BACHELORS!

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : DO YOU WANT TO BE A HALF ORPHAN?!

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : BECAUSE I WILL KILL HER!

 _JaneTheBee_ : Chill, I was planning to come anyway. You're the only one who still hates John.

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : He broke my favourite sister's heart; of course, I still hate him. So does Charlotte fyi, even though he's her bro. We decided all men are stupid and that we'd marry each other because anyone stupid enough to not marry you when they had the chance, is representative of a completely flawed species.

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : Planning on adopting girls and starting a revolution to cull men from humanity.

 _JaneTheBee_ : How drunk were you when you decided this?

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : Not drunk at all.

 _JaneTheBee_ : Your mind is a strange place.

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : Thank you.

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : So, you're coming to the wedding, right?

 _JaneTheBee_ : Yes, now stop texting me.

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 **2DoMrDarcy** : I hate you.

 _CharlieAndTheBingleyFactory_ : Stop being an antisocial dick and texting me.

 **2DoMrDarcy** : If I stop texting you, your sister starts talking to me. I'm beginning to question if our bromance is worth this.

 _CharlieAndTheBingleyFactory_ : So get out of that shitty alcove and fucking ask someone to dance already, and stop...and you're walking right at me, great, now I have to cut my dance with my angel short. Dick.

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 **NotLizzieMcguire** : Darcy's a dick.

 _LucasLotto_ : MEN!

 _LucasLotto_ : But what did Darcy do specifically.

 _LucasLotto_ : And why are you texting me, we're in the same booth.

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : Heard him telling Bingley that he was dancing with the only hottie in the place and every other woman was a dog-faced, two-bit whores. And, that I couldn't tempt him.

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : Also, didn't want anyone else to overhear us like I heard him.

 _LucasLotto_ : A) Most of the women here _are_ dog-faced, two-bit whores, have you not seen our sisters? B) He's still a dick, you're hot. C) Not everyone is as nosy as you, so talk, don't text.

 **NotLizzieMcguire** : Low balance?

 _LucasLotto_ : Yeah, sometimes prepaid sux monkey balls.

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 **2DoMrDarcy** : Help me!

 _GigiForEmpress_ : Oh big bro, what did you do now?

 **2DoMrDarcy** : Why do you assume I did something, maybe someone else did something to me, did you ever think of that?

 _GigiForEmpress_ : ...What did you do?

 **2DoMrDarcy** : Nothing!

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 **GigiForEmpress** : Charles, what did my brother do now?

 _CharlieAndTheBingleyFactory_ : Oh, nothing out of the ordinary. He couldn't stop staring at Elizabeth, that's Jane's sister btw. Have I told you about Jane? She's an absolute angel, so kind and beautiful, I have never met anyone like her in my whole life, she's the one Gigi, she's The One!

 **GigiForEmpress** : Dude, what about this Elizabeth chick? What did Will do now?

 **GigiForEmpress** : She hot?

 _CharlieAndTheBingleyFactory_ : I guess sort of. Anyway, your brother couldn't stop staring at her and was his usual antisocial self. He badmouthed her a bit and I think she overheard.

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 _GigiForEmpress_ : I hear you were rude to Elizabeth.

 **2DoMrDarcy** : What? No, I never even talked to her! Have you been talking to Bingley?

 _GigiForEmpress_ : Duh.

 **2DoMrDarcy** : I wasn't rude to her.

 **2DoMrDarcy** : And if I was, she deserved it.

 _GigiForEmpress_ : Why?

 **2DoMrDarcy** : You didn't see her family Gigi, worst bunch ever.

 **2DoMrDarcy** : Their mother's a total nightmare, social-ladder climbing gold digger.

 **2DoMrDarcy** : And the dad, he just stood there and let his kids go wild, no discipline at all. That younger one, I'm surprised she hasn't been on an MTV show for getting knocked up too young.

 _GigiForEmpress_ : And what about Elizabeth? What's she like?

 **2DoMrDarcy** : She's fine, I guess.

 _GigiForEmpress_ : Fine?

 **2DoMrDarcy** : I guess her eyes were kind of...sparkly, and dark, and green.

 **2DoMrDarcy** : And she had the most amazing laugh, all free and loud, head thrown back and all that. A proper laugh, not like those weird little high pitched raptor sounds that Caroline makes.

 **2DoMrDarcy** : And she when she got drunk and started kissing all her friends and family, it was kind of sweet.

 **2DoMrDarcy** : But her mother, ye Gods!

 **2DoMrDarcy** : To have to be family with her, to actually have her as a mother-in-law, there can be nothing worse than that.

 **2DoMrDarcy** : Gigi, you there?

 _GigiForEmpress_ : Will, _mother-in-law_ , seriously?

 _GigiForEmpress_ : We have talked about this, marriage is not the answer to everything!

 _GigiForEmpress_ : Especially not to the question, 'What's this chick Elizabeth like?'!

 _GigiForEmpress_ : Unless...

 **2DoMrDarcy** : No, there's no 'unless' here. It's just a repulsive family, that's all.

 _GigiForEmpress_ : OMG, YOU WANT TO MARRY ELIZABETH.

 **2DoMrDarcy** : No I don't!

 _GigiForEmpress_ : Yes, you do, why else would you be talking about her mom as an in-law?

 **2DoMrDarcy** : No, it's nothing like that, it's...Bingley! Bingley that's all. You know Charles, all head over heels and lovestruck, he'll do something stupid like marry Jane and be stuck with Mrs Bennet for life, that's all!

 _GigiForEmpress_ : Will and Elizabeth sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

 **2DoMrDarcy** : I'm not talking to you anymore.

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 ** _SweetCaroline_** : Charles you forgot me at the wedding hall!

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	2. Chapter 2

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 _MamaKnowsBest_ : Elizabeth, honey have you seen the announcement?! I could hardly believe my eyes.

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** No.

 _MamaKnowsBest_ : Why, Billy Collins just got engaged!

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** Who?

 _MamaKnowsBest_ : Honestly Elizabeth, don't you remember Bill?

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** No.

 _MamaKnowsBest_ : Bill Collins dear, that young boy who sued to walk you home everyday after school.

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** WTF, are you talking about my stalker?! He _**followed**_ me home, he didn't _walk_ me there!

 _MamaKnowsBest_ : Look at this sweetie, Attachment:(Awkward picture of man with a dazed, vacuous look on his face with his arms around a woman with a forced grin, a cross looming over their heads in the background)

 _MamaKnowsBest_ : It's their engagement picture!

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** I have to go throw up.

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 _MamaKnowsBest_ : Jane, look after your poor sister would you?

 _JaneTheBee:_ Why what happened?

 _MamaKnowsBest_ : Oh I suspect she's feeling all out of sorts after hearing about Billy Collins engagement. Honestly, that girl at this rate she's going to end up all alone with twenty cats.

 _JaneTheBee:_ Wait, Billy Collins as in her stalker?

 _MamaKnowsBest_ : Honestly Jane, I didn't expect _you_ to be so judgemental! He's a perfectly good man, you know, he found God and changed his whole life around.

 _JaneTheBee:_ And _where_ did he find God?

 _MamaKnowsBest_ : That hardly matters, darling!

 _JaneTheBee:_ Mum?

 _MamaKnowsBest_ : Well, during his little stint in jail because he violated a restraining order, but he's a changed man now!

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 _MamaKnowsBest:_ How dare you embarrass me like that, Lizzy!

 _MamaKnowsBest:_ I told you, I told you not to make a fool out of me, didn't I?! What did I ever do to deserve a child like you, utterly ungrateful wretch, oh, what would my parents say to know that this is how my own flesh and blood treat me!

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 _LucasLotto:_ Holy fuck Liz, what did you do? Your mum's been making the rounds badmouthing you.

 _LucasLotto:_ Again.

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** I didn't do anything.

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** Well, nothing too bad really. Or even unexpected.

 _LucasLotto:_ What did you do?!

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** She was shoving me towards some guy in the grocery store. So I told him I had no idea who that crazy woman was who kept talking about me like I was her daughter and I'd never met her before in my life.

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 _LucasLotto:_ Jane, Lizzie's pretending she doesn't know who you mom is again.

 _JaneTheBee:_ Oh for heaven's sake, that girl!

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 _JaneTheBee_ has invited **NotLizzieMcGuire** , **2DoMrDarcy** , _CharlieAndTheBingleyFactory_ , _**SweetCaroline**_ to chat.

 _JaneTheBee:_ Hi, everyone, this is Jane.

 _JaneTheBee:_ As you all know Mr Bingley has hired me as his real estate agent while he looks for a house in this neighbourhood. I thought that since Mr Bingley says he'd like to have your approval on the house that we could discuss it here.

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** Question, why am _I_ here?

 _CharlieAndTheBingleyFactory:_ Ah, that would be because of me, Elizabeth. Jane was telling me that you're quite knowledgeable when it comes to houses and architecture and I thought you might have some insight as well.

 _(( **2DoMrDarcy:** You're taking revenge aren't you?_

 _CharlieAndTheBingleyFactory: I don't know what you're talking about._

 _ **2DoMrDarcy:** Goddamnit Charlie, just because I interrupted your dance with Jane doesn't mean you take it out on me like this! You know Jane's sister hates me!_

 _CharlieAndTheBingleyFactory: Then it'll be good for you, to have this opportunity to apologise_

 _ **2DoMrDarcy:** Damn it, Charles!_

 _ **2DoMrDarcy:** Charles!_

 _ **2DoMrDarcy:** Fuck you))_

 _ **SweetCaroline:**_ Oh wow, Eliza, I didn't know you were interested in architecture!

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** I used to be.

 _CharlieAndTheBingleyFactory:_ Jane tells me you wanted to be an architect when you were young.

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** I did.

 **2DoMrDarcy:** Are you always this prone to changing your mind?

 _CharlieAndTheBingleyFactory:_ Darcy meant to ask what changed your mind about it.

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** Bainzenstone.

 **2DoMrDarcy:** Baizenstone?

 _JaneTheBee:_ Liz, I don't think they need to know.

 **2DoMrDarcy:** On the contrary, I find myself quite intrigued.

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** Baizenstone was this place out by the preserve, it's beautiful. Soft maple floors, wide open spaces and these windows that threw light in everywhere. And the moulding, just incredible, I haven't seen anything like it in ages. Elevated living spaces and the kitchen area opened up right into the deck, perfect for barbeque and the other side looked over a lake, absolutely gorgeous.

 **2DoMrDarcy:** How lovely, that sounds like the guest house in Pemberley. Why did that change your mind about architecture?

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** But then there was this recurring mold problem in the wall adjoining the kitchen and Mr Smithwicke, the owner, his girlfriend wanted to surprise him by taking care of it because he loved the house, practically built it himself. She called in some contractors to look into it and it turned out that he had a body hidden in the paneling.

 _ **SweetCaroline:**_ WHAT?!

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** Well, parts of it anyway. He cut his victims up and put their parts all over the place but the bit in that wall hadn't been properly...sealed up.

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** Long story short, I now look at a house and see all the places to hide a body.

 _CharlieAndTheBingleyFactory:_ Sorry guys, I have to go, Caroline's not feeling well.

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 **2DoMrDarcy:** Georgy, Caroline throwing up all over the place, I'm saved! There's no way she'll be up and running for a while and by the time she's fine I'll be back at Pemberley!

 _GigiForEmpress:_ Oh Will, so naive. Caroline's wanted to be a model her whole life, if you think she can't function while also throwing up, you know nothing.

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 _JaneTheBee:_ You just had to tell them about Baizenstone didn't you?

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** They'd have found out about it from the old newspapers anyway.

 _JaneTheBee:_ And it has nothing to do with the fact that you want to make an offer on it as soon as you can save up enough for it?

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** Do you really think I would do that?!

 _JaneTheBee:_ Yes.

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** Well do you really think I would admit to doing that?

 _JaneTheBee:_ No.

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** Well, there's your answer.

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** Also, Bingley will be better off with Netherfield, it's close enough to the town to not be a long drive but close enough to the preserve that he can pretend to be a sporty hiker like he wants to. And the price tag is high enough that Caroline will love it, just so she can brag about how much they spent on it.

 _JaneTheBee:_ And Darcy?

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:** Fuck what Darcy wants.

 _JaneTheBee:_ He'll like Baizenstone the most won't he?

 **NotLizzieMcGuire:**...I have to go back to work.

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End file.
